victoria cantilever: once a cheater...

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 03:41 PM

? #5 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Dec 2011

Location: Canada

Posts: 1,143

Quote:

Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Before I met my husband I was in an on again off again relationship for just under a year. We couldn't go two months without breaking up for one reason or another and were constantly fighting. I cheated on him four times and constantly thought about being with other guys. I wasn't happy or satisfied in the relationship. He did many things that were equally immoral as my behavior. The relationship made both of us people we didn't recognize, which eventually lead to our final horrific breakup.

Anyways, since meeting and dating my husband I haven't thought about cheating. In fact, I haven't even felt the need to flirt with other men as I used to in my previous relationships. This is the only relationship where I have been completely committed and satisfied by one man's attention. I used to believe in that saying, but now I'm not so sure. I was just wondering what everyone else's thoughts were on the saying?

Your husband strikes a better chord with you than your other relationships,but what has changed about you that cheating is no longer in your repertoire as a way to problem solve? Personally,I don't believe once a cheater applies to people who recognize it and work to honestly change it.I see redemption all around me for a multitude of things,even for myself.

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"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis

Yesterday, 05:04 PM

? #8 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Apr 2011

Posts: 91

Quote:

Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately too. I believe that the saying is wrong, or at least that it can be wrong in some situations.

I agree with you that circumstances change, those that lead to the infidelity, and those that lead you into a relationship that you would never consider violating.

My wife and I met when we were both past 50. I had left a 30 year marriage that was loveless and in which I was emotionally abused for many years. I remained faithful, but was NOT faithful before I was married. My wife was in an unfufilling marriage, cheated with a man that provided fulfillment, felt remorse and immediately divorced her first husband. She subsequently married the man she cheated with, who then turned out to be a serial cheater. We both had some history of infidelity, but I never broke a marriage vow.

My wife seems to have felt sufficient guilt for what she did to her first husband, and said the pain caused her by her second husband let her know how bad it felt to be on the receiving end of infidelity. She says she would NOT do it again, ever.

We met a few years after she had split with her second husband, but had continued to see him on and off before she met me. She said he hurt her immensely, but I was perplexed by the apparent post divorce contact. She said he wasn't "husband material."

We met, and got married. I give HER the benefit of the doubt in this situation regarding the "once a cheater," but I WON'T give her EX the benefit of the doubt.

She remains Facebook friends with both of her exes. I have NO problem or even a tiny hint of jealous feeling about her first husband, but I can turn green about her second in an instant; I suspect the ex she cheated with and who cheated on her would jump at ANY chance to get her back. For her part, she has given me NO reason to believe that she is interested, and she does NOT actively interact with him from what I can see. He has said Happy Birthday, etc in Facebook messages, which she does not reciprocate, and she rarely responds with anything, and if she does respond, it's just a thank you.

My lack of trust in her ex has made me feel very insecure in regards to the Facebook relationship.

Yesterday, 05:37 PM

? #9 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Feb 2012

Posts: 31

Quote:

Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" I cheated on him four times and constantly thought about being with other guys. I wasn't happy or satisfied in the relationship.......Anyways, since meeting and dating my husband I haven't thought about cheating.

There has always been women that when single that were easy. Real easy.

When they got married they never cheated.

The thing is being easy is not the same as being a cheater.

Have you grown enough as a person to not cheat anymore?

Odds are against you. Hope you beat them. Only time will tell.